Calming Down

Well, like an hour ago I was full on hulking out. This night did not go as planned. Computers are a bitch. My new laptop arrived today, which is awesome. It's so little and light! And so fast! I can't wait to take it everywhere with me and be able to work on writing projects all the time.

But part of getting a new computer, obviously, is transferring stuff over to it from the old computer. And that is making me want to tear all my hairs out one by one. First, I take dear old Otto von Dell (my trusty-ish old machine) to rehearsal to use some sound clips. It won't start for a half hour once I get there. As if this didn't piss me off enough, all the moving around of files in order to transfer them caused the ENTIRE hard drive to fill up so much that I couldn't even see most of the icons on the desktop. So that was a couple hours of confusion, til I finally went into safe mode and deleted some stuff. Now it's freezing up again, and driving me CRAZY. So I'm annoyed and frustrated and apparently determined not to sleep at all tonight. Typical.

Also tonight, I got some interesting news that might be further cause for stress (but maybe in a good way). I'm being cryptic, I know. Trying not to jinx myself. Hopefully will know more soon, but it's definitely consumed my night.

Thinking of reviving the blog. Or maybe officially "starting it?" I don't know. What does one blog about?

Doubt

A major theme for me this year has been uncertainty, since...well...nothing in my life is very certain right now. So I thought that for my own peace of mind I'd collect some "great wisdom" in the form of quotations about doubt and uncertainty. I'm sure copy-pasting them will at least validate them in some way, and hey, we're all graduating soon--maybe someone else will relate to them too...

"There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking." --Alfred Korzybski

"Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it." --Andre Gide

"We must learn our limits. We are all something, but none of us are everything." --Blaise Pascal

"When men are most sure and arrogant they are commonly most mistaken." --David Hume

"Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties." --Erich Fromm

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." --Frank Crane

"One's first step in wisdom is to question everything - and one's last is to come to terms with everything." --Georg C. Lichtenberg

"To have doubted one's own first principles is the mark of a civilized man." --Oliver Wendell Holmes

"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt." --Rollo May

"If you're not confused, you're not paying attention." --Tom Peters

Hello out there?

I should not be awake right now, and I should definitely not be writing a blog. But I've been thinking lately how people should blog more (or ever) because I don't see you all or have any idea what's going on in your lives--and even though we don't all talk all the time, I still get curious. And I suppose most of you (if anybody is even reading this) have no idea what's going on in my life either.

I've been thinking lately about how my life can be simultaneously so busy and so boring. It's time to change that. If I only had...time to change that. But Halloween is this weekend and that's exciting--even though I still have some costume completion/construction to do. I have all these ideas about wanting to create exciting things and plan exciting events, but when I look for a time to do it, I come up with nothing.

I need to finish my 50 hours of costume lab--23 down, 27 to go--preferably in the next 3 weeks. It is not likely to happen, at all. Time seems to be the most important thing lately, overriding everything else. There is never enough time. My weekend was 23 hours long, and it went from 7:30 Sunday to 6:30 Monday. It was self designated, but well spent.

I'm an assistant director for one of the department shows right now. It's tiring but exciting. Mostly I observe. I'm learning a lot. I can't wait til I can stop taking classes and just pursue stuff like this, though. Well, and that whole "life" thing that's apparently happening in 8 months.

Today, I was thinking about that passage from The Bell Jar where there's a fig tree (I think) and each fig is an option and if you pick one, the others disappear. It is very topical. I'm starting to see the linear paths that each decision creates. Cause and effect. Action and reaction. I like it more in art than in life, I think. It's weird how all of this makes me want to be very proactive and to shut down completely, both at the same time.

Now's the part where I feel like no one wants to read any of this and I contemplate deleting it. But I won't, and if you got bored, you probably stopped reading by now anyway.

So...how have you been?

Everyone has to retire sometime...

It's not even 1 am and I'm crapping out on this paper. I'm debating actually starting to work on it right now so that I can finish it and go to bed. That's not the usual procrastinator's spirit... Usually I gear myself up for a long night with pointless internet games and procrastinating buddies and some good snacks. But I just want to sleep. Where's my sense of adventure? All nighters have such possibility. And sure, I've been feeling under the weather lately. Yeah, I am a little tired of this whole school thing. But really? 1 am??

Back to School??

Each first day of school gets a little less new and shiny. This year, I can't even be bothered to get notebooks out of my desk drawer and bring them to class--just a legal pad and a clump of looseleaf. My classes so far are strange, and my professors are stranger. And I am not content with only having 3 classes. I'm trying to pick up a 4th, against my better judgment. I cannot tell exactly how much work my independent study will be, but I went to a production meeting today and was the only undergrad there. It was quite the contrast from the 100 and 200 level classes I'd been in earlier in the day. I think this is going to be a different sort of semester--less structured--but maybe it will still be alright. If my class tomorrow is good, anyway.

Thoughts Post-Tarantino

Sometimes, people choose to feel some kind of painful physical sensation "just so they can feel something at all." This rationale always makes sense to me when I watch gut-wrenching movies. My general philosophy on film violence is that I'd rather it look extremely real than extremely fake--I don't want to be desensitized. And as I sat in the theatre tonight watching Inglorious Bastards, almost unable to keep watching and pressing my fist to my mouth, I remembered that. I usually forget to experience things emotionally. In fact, usually for me emotions happen by accident--and this movie was no exception. I could still see the building blocks that were manipulating me to feel all the emotions I felt, but that other part was awakened too--the one that slowly atrophies the harder I try to stay calm and rational. The one that inspires me to make over-sharing blog posts at 2 am. The one that I haven't seen much of since I stopped wanting to be an actor.

And I'm glad I don't live in that place all the time, but I sure wish I did more often.

At the Electric Earth

I know I haven't posted anything in a while, but I had to express the glory of the sandwich I'm eating. It's a BLT, but it has avocado, cheddar cheese, onions, and mayo on it as well, and is wrapped up in a nice light wheat. And they're not skimping on the avocado either. That's rare.

As I was walking over here I was mourning the fact that now I have to walk a block and a half, instead of 20 feet, to get coffee. But now that I remember what the sandwiches are like at my new closest coffee shop, I'm reassured.

I do love my new place though. Yesterday was the most hectic and frustrating day ever, but now that I've calmed down and started organizing things, I'm really excited. The kitchen is a lot bigger, and I hippie christmas-ed myself some cool stuff out on the side of the road, so now I just have to wait for my parents to show up so I can get the rest of my stuff and finish unpacking.