Over the last month or so I've experienced a feeling I've never had before in my life: wanting to get out of the city. In Madison I wanted the opposite so badly. But a couple weeks ago I went down to Urbana, and I found myself thinking "it's nice to be out of the city." I talk to some of my friends who are living abroad or in remote locations, and imagine getting away from the constant stimulation and having endless time to read, write, reflect, create... I imagine that after the first few days of going stir crazy, it would be very nice for a little while. And then I would go stir crazy again and demand to go back to civilization.

I like this feeling though, because something is complete here in a way that it's never been before in my life. And I feel it even now when I'm having a totally miserable week and want nothing more than to crawl under a rock and hide for a while. So that's promising. But so is a week of vacation in Minnesota...

I had such a beautiful, relaxing weekend. Thursday to Saturday was glorious. But now I'm paying for it, hardcore. Staying up late again tonight doing script-formatting. I think I'm out of printer paper, which is terrible. Really bad timing--I still have 3 scenes to print. Then work the next 4 days, along with script editing and a somewhat intimidating rehearsal.

I'm pretty much a domestic failure, too. Trying so hard to get my laundry done, but I've accomplished one load in the last few days. Plus 3 at work today, but that was costumes and does not help me out in my quest to have clothes to wear. I come home and collapse, and my domestic failure-tude haunts me and makes me feel guilty. Even though what I really need to do is deal with this damn script. And find my cheat sheet for work tomorrow...shoot. I hope I didn't throw it away.

So what I'm trying to say is...I'm failing at life right now. Being a young director is hard. I have so many ideas, and articulating them is so hard. Everything sounds great in my head, and then when I open my mouth I'm like "why did I think that made sense?" Just gotta muddle through it I guess. Just like everything else. Muddling through it. Because really how much can I complain? Boo hoo, I get to do what I love several times a week and spend time with tons of great people who are just as passionate about it as I am. Life is so hard. But you know...it's still...life.

Only a week and a half til Minnesota. Can. Not. Wait.

I just spent HOURS typing up lengthy rehearsal notes for both acts of Gaston. I cannot remember the last time I focused on anything for that long. Which is really sad because it wasn't that long of a project. It was a good 6 1/2 pages though. It's nice to know that I'm motivated enough to get things done every once in a while. Especially when it's the things that I really want to be good at.

I stumbled upon Pleasantville on TV this afternoon. I like that movie more every time I watch it, much like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Not only does the emotional impact get stronger the older I get, but the structural brilliance and strength of commentary only grows as my skill as an artist/analyst improves.

But what it comes down to is that sometimes it's more important to do what's best in the long term instead of what's easy in the short term. True and difficult advice.

I'm having one of those days where I just want someone to make me some soup, wrap me up in a blanket, and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not sure where that came from. It's been a very good week, actually. But you know, sometimes a mood just strikes. So I put on my bathrobe, made myself some pizza rolls, and put on some "calming" (code word for "depressing" that I use in my playlists) music. This is my attempt to remedy the situation. It's actually working, much to my surprise. At least these days, moodiness has been short lived.

I vacillate between feeling boundlessly positive about my life and where it's going, and feeling like everything is a big, terrible mess. I think that's what the next few years might be like.

Things I'm excited about right now:

Sherlock Holmes closed this weekend (not the exciting part, that part's sad), which means I made it through a whole five week run without causing a major snafu onstage. Also, what an amazing run and a cool group of people to work with for the summer. Such serendipity.

Off and running with my next project: Gaston! I am directing a musical sketch based on Beauty and the Beast. It's improv and theatre all rolled into one.

I just scored a total dream job: rentals department of a costume supply store. It's only seasonal for now I think, but I don't even care. They showed me around today and it was just like being in the costume shop of a theatre--so much cool stuff! I still don't quite believe it since I don't have anything in writing and haven't actually started...and it seems way too good to be true. And yes, I realize I have low standards for "dream job."

I've decided I'm going to do Second City's program, after being really indecisive for a while. I need to take advantage of the next few months where I don't have a full rehearsal schedule, and their next session starts soonest. So as long as they let me into Improv for Actors, I am good to go.

New improv team starting up! We have a show on Saturday. I'm so excited to be back! Nervous, since it's been a while, but I'm excited for all the new people I get to work with.

I am finally moving into my bedroom, and I have the most fantastic new (old) dresser. It came from my mom's grandfather's house and has been in our attic forever. I haven't had a real dresser since I lived in the dorms, and I'm inordinately excited about it.

Wow, that list got really long. I did not realize how optimistic I'm feeling these days. I could make a list for the flip side of things that are upsetting me, but I don't really want to find out how long that one is.

I could probably write a book called "deleted blog entries." Its contents would be vague, but revealingly so. Its amazing the things we choose not to say. Or not to do. I think my life thus far might be more defined by things I didn't do. Not in a bad way. I have a habit of self-editing. For example, the first two versions I typed of this entry were both longer than this.

If I met the person I was a year ago, I don't think I'd recognize her. I wonder how much more will change in the next year.

I think at this point I've practically started a tradition of writing blogs while I procrastinate on stuff. And we all know that just because I'm out of school, that doesn't mean I stop procrastinating. I've got like 7 hours til we're supposed to start moving stuff. And...you can probably guess what the apartment looks like. This might be a throw-everything-in-boxes-haphazardly affair. I mean come on, I'm only going across town.

I'm babbling at this point. I think I'm in a very strange stage of my life right now. Some kind of quest for meaning. I've been thinking all week about how I want to do something impulsive and romantic. I don't know what, or what it would accomplish. As if everything has to "accomplish" something in my strange construction of the world. My brain works in strange ways. Who knows. Weird 2 am ramblings.

I'm hungry, and sleepy. Most of my food is gone. And I really hope there are less centipedes at the next place. I'm sick of watching them crawl along the walls late at night. I'm also really excited that I am wearing a sweatshirt right now. It feels like such a luxury to be cold.

Anyway, time to end this ridiculous stream of consciousness and actually pack. Or sleep. Something along one of those lines...

Lately I've been starting to come to terms with the fact that I don't want to be an actor. It's a surprisingly difficult thing for me to accept about myself. The part of me that wants to fit in really wants to be an actor...so many of my friends are, and so many improvisers are, and it just seems like the "normal thing." And when I meet strangers who aren't in the arts I introduce myself that way because it seems like the easiest, most recognizable way to describe what I do.

But it's not what I'm doing. Or what I'm trying to do. I look up audition notices but I never end up responding to them. I like acting, but the part of me that lights up when I'm improvising or directing just doesn't light up when I'm acting. And that makes me kind of sad, because I love the idea of doing it. Just like I've always loved the idea of being a writer.

But even though I'm starting to admit this to myself, there's a little part of me that doesn't quite want to give up on it. That says, "maybe if I just work up one more monologue..." or "maybe if I go on a few more auditions..." And maybe I'll do those things. But I don't know why I feel like I need to, when I already know what I really love doing. I guess old dreams die hard.

Packing is a bitch. Didn't I just do this?

Oh yeah...I did. Two months ago. I didn't even unpack everything and this still seems impossible to ever accomplish. Four more days... I saw the new place today. It is beautiful. Lots of character. Might be a weird next few weeks with construction and stuff going on. Need to come up with places to escape to.

Also, a shout out to my smart phone. Because my computer decided to hate our wireless network in this dumb apartment suddenly, the phone has become my modem. Which is amazing (despite the subpar internet quality) since everything is going to be in flux for another few weeks, and I can save lots of money on coffee now. It's weird how much everything is in flux. Soon I'll stop feeling displaced, I think. I hope.

Two weekends down for Sherlock Holmes. Three more to go. The show gets better every night. I could not have asked for a better first show to do in Chicago. And I'm just starting to get to work on my next project...so excited to be directing again.

It boggles my mind how different everything is now than it was a year or so ago, both inside and outside of my brain. Life is funny like that. It's a good thing though. I think maybe things will go in good directions. All my optimism ends up being vague, but it's there nonetheless.

I've gotten a lot more interested in writing lately. Perhaps it has something to do with how much time I'm spending alone these days. Or the fact that I don't see my friends very often and have some kind of deep-seated need to share my experiences with others. I mean, of course I do, I'm in the arts. But I guess it's harder to recognize that fact about yourself when you're actually around people all the time and thus implicitly sharing your experiences. I don't know. I am contemplating using this (because everything I do has to have some kind of ethereal "purpose" apparently) as a means to generate poetry or beginnings of stories. Why I can't just do this by writing in my own journal, I don't know. Maybe it's just easier to be motivated to write for an "audience," whether or not the audience is actually reading anything at all? I'm babbling at this point. Potentially starting my own new "personal project" on here. Whatever. Read it if you want. Or don't.

It's fine when I'm busy, but as soon as I'm not I find myself asking the question, "What am I doing here?" I ask it over and over. Sometimes I can come up with a good answer.

Something that has been a great comfort to me lately is the universality of theatre. Moving to a new city I just wasn't sure what to expect. You know, do people do things the same way in the professional world? Is it going to be unrecognizably different? But so far, all the games and warm ups we've done at camp are the same ones I do/did in Titanic and at UW. When I teach things and use either improv terminology or theatre concepts, the other teacher can pick up exactly where I leave off. In rehearsals for the show I'm SMing right now, I hear the director use all the same words I know. In my interview today I knew all the vocabulary to use when I was describing my vision and ideas. I am a lot more prepared than I ever realized...

I should not have ordered this sandwich. How did I not notice there were raisins in it? Very disappointed in myself. Killing time in a cafe by Union Station, waiting to get on the bus to Madison. I don't really know what I'll be doing in Madison once I get there, but the break will be nice. I had an interview with a temp agency this morning...I'm registered now and will hopefully start getting work in a couple weeks. Everyone there was really nice and it seems like it will be good. Next week the summer camp fun continues, too. Kids are ridiculous. It's pretty interesting to watch.

That's basically my life right now. I had a wave of "God, I can't believe I live here" this morning. Most of the time I don't notice it though.

Ugh, in case anyone was wondering, netbooks are IMPOSSIBLE to type on.

June 15

That first bite of food after forgetting to eat all day (and almost passing out from hunger on the train) is GLORIOUS!

Some days it's really nice to do absolutely nothing. And listen to Elliott Smith for hours on end.

I got to do improv today! It was for an audition, but there was scene work and callbacks and freeze tag and all things glorious. There's something satisfying about knowing I did my personal best under the circumstances and that the way I played was true to my style. I can't control whether they liked my style or not, but I was pleased.

I have gotten behind on this blog. So...

June 11

After less than a week in Chicago, I randomly ran into a person on the train platform that I'd met the night before at a benefit. Small world or what??

June 12

Simple joy/the greatest thing ever of the day: the place I discovered that sells Chocolate Shoppe ice cream. I was legitimately concerned at not being able to eat raspberry truffle any time I desire. Good thing I don't have to worry about that anymore...

June 10

It amazes me how much less shy I've gotten in the last few years. I didn't notice it til the last week or so when I've been in all these new situations. It's not easy, but it's definitely easier than it used to be.

I'm going to use all my time on the train to read plays. I got through an act of Skin of our Teeth on my way to the theatre this morning (decided it was time for a reread of that one--really incredible play). If I keep up like that, I'll get through my whole bookshelf this summer!

No matter how crappy I feel, looking at my bookshelf all stocked with books makes me feel better. It is so full of possibility.

I am comforted by how small the world is. The cashier at Zara today was best friends with a girl who lives on my block in STP. Weird!

P.S. I love Chicago and miss Madison and why can't I be everywhere at once??

June 6

The grocery store by my apartment is amazing. Sabra hummus: $2. Peaches: .59/lb. Blackberries 99c. Plus I bought guava juice and could have gotten cactus leaves if I was truly feeling adventurous.

Today, I have a real appreciation for how sad I feel. I can't believe how much I've come to love this place.

Best part of today so far: picking up the keys to my new apartment.

In spite of it all

I am really determined to do this every day, it's kind of a personal challenge. Sooo...

Yesterday: This one was hard to come up with, given the events of yesterday (another setback and frantically searching for a place to live). But I can honestly say that it was a great feeling when I zoned out and almost missed my train stop, because that means that I'm comfortable enough on the train not to be completely alert. Which also means it took me less than 24 hours to get comfortable with the El. Just 3 lines, but still. Go me.

Today: Being reminded of why I'm here in the first place. In many ways this has been the week from hell. Physically and emotionally draining, fast paced, etc. But I went to see Endgame at Steppenwolf tonight (the first thing I've done all week that I really wanted to do just for myself), and I was truly impressed. And it made me check in with myself and think about how what I'm coming here for is to do work like that. It's a good refocusing. Necessary.

Things are going to be okay. I like it here.

A good feeling: REAL exhaustion. Between the almost-all-nighter packing last night, the four hour bus ride, and navigating the city of Chicago by train for the first time (all alone), I am thoroughly spent. It would be a better feeling if I didn't have to get up at 7 tomorrow morning, but hey...

Awesome thing of the day: Scrubs reruns that reflect exactly whatever I'm feeling at the moment.

You know what's awesome? Filling a box, closing it up, and dragging the role of packing tape across the top to seal it. Such tangible proof of accomplishment.

May 29

As hard as it is to feel this way in the moment, I think there's something to be appreciated in doing things that make you feel dumb. At least for me. I'm really uncomfortable with feeling dumb. It's good to be uncomfortable sometimes.

May 28

Something I've appreciated lately is that saying goodbye is a life skill like anything else. I was just thinking back to four years ago when we all left for college, and how hard those goodbyes were and how much we agonized over them. I'm not agonizing right now and I wondered, does that mean I don't care as much? But it doesn't. We get better at saying goodbye. And at realizing that everything is temporary. It's possible to drift and reconnect (something I've appreciated in particular lately over the last couple of weeks), and if you're close enough, you'll stay in touch. I don't think I had that kind of perspective four years ago. This move is so much scarier, but I am so much less scared.

May 27

(I missed yesterday's, but I'm determined to actually do one per day)

Branching out. A LOT of my close friends are either out of town or out of the country these days. It sucks, and I miss them. But I've been hanging out with a totally different group of people lately who I wouldn't have spent as much time with otherwise, and getting a chance to reconnect with other old friends. Which seems like an oddly fitting way to end my time in Madison.

Life's Small Pleasure of the Day: When things all fall into place. My moving plans were so down to the wire today, and I had no idea whether or where I could move on Friday, and all of a sudden it turns out our apartment is going be ready on the 5th! And even though that involves a lot of plan-switching on my part since I need to be out of here by the 2nd, so far everything is neatly lining up to make it happen, and I can still come down there and start my internship next week! New life philosophy: leave everything up to chance.

Life's Small Pleasures

So I have this old blog lying around, and I really don't use it for much of anything, and I suspect that very few people actually read it. And I got to thinking, hmm, what would be a good thing to actually post on here. And it seems like a fitting way to use this blog would be to provide myself and all 2 or so of you out there in internet-land with an observation of beauty in the world, or in my life. Sort of like a more personalized version of the blog 1000 Awesome Things (which is totally worth reading by the way). So, without further ado, something that made me happy today:

Experiencing the extremes of weather. This morning, I walked home from breakfast in pouring, stormy, warm rain. This afternoon I walked about 5 miles in the sunshine to go exploring in a different part of town. The sheer exhaustion from all the walking, paired with getting a walk in the rain AND a walk in the same day make this day feel very fulfilled.

T Minus 2 Weeks

Holy shit, I move in two weeks (in theory if everything goes as planned). My Facebook statuses have been noticeably sappier in the last couple of days. I am pleased with the last four years. That feeling won't last, for certain, but it will come back again. It's a roller coaster these days. As it should be.

Repeat exposure

Repeat exposure works in two directions. Either we develop a liking for something we are exposed to over and over, or we become desensitized to it. People are far more likely to become attracted to a person they see more often than less often. People become desensitized to graphic images that they see on a regular basis. We become desensitized to emotions, too.

I chose to direct a scene because I felt an emotional connection to it, because it was emotionally powerful to me. After sitting with it for a month, it becomes a pile of puzzle pieces, nuts and bolts that I have to fit together to make a working machine. I have no attachment to it anymore.

To make a parallel claim, the more you repress an emotion, the more you become used to repressing it. You become desensitized to the repression of that emotion, and it no longer means anything. You forget it's there? Maybe. Or you see it as though you're looking at a painting, a film. It's far away, an exhibit.

There is a language for logic. Emotion has no language. To find the language for emotion? That is art.

I often wish that real life was structured like a play. In plays, everyone has to say what they're actually thinking or feeling eventually, because otherwise the audience wouldn't know what was going on. In real life people don't have to do that. Everything can stay bottled up. The action doesn't move forward, though. It just hangs, lifeless.

Well...

I'm guess I'm moving to Chicago in 2 months. Here goes life...

Should

I hereby decree that I am removing the word "should" from my vocabulary. Because I spend too much time thinking about what I should be doing instead of what I am actually doing. And that accomplishes nothing.

The Bard

Why is it that I always have these grand, sweeping realizations about my life while I'm trying to read Shakespeare? No wonder it takes me days to get through one play... Another late night. The all night game of Axis and Allies last night was a horrible idea, in hindsight, but a great one in the moment.

My Favorite Secret From This Week

This is how simple everything should be.

Another Procrastination Blog!

These are my favorites!

11:17 pm--> Watching Friends and eating ice cream while Wikipedia searching Algeria. Still need to finish reading the play, but Monica is wearing a sweater with a question mark on it that I really like! I wonder where I could find one...

11:42 pm--> Just saw a commercial where a sock monkey gets a tattoo, and the tattoo gets stitched on, because he's stuffed. Scene ideas will come of this...but it's not helping me with the paper...

12:24 am--> I could really use some chips or something right now. Or maybe some chicken lo mein? It's not too late to order... No, I want chips...

1:21 am--> Made popcorn and finished reading the play. Progress is being made! So glad this paper is only 750 words; I still have an exam to study for...

1:59 am--> Wrote a (very loose) thesis! Mind is wandering to how people are strange creatures. Why do we do the things we do? To what extent can I infer things about other people, and to what extent am I just making it up? It's just like making an argument about this play--sure, I can infer lots of things and make it sound credible, but does it mean anything at all? Probably not, especially when I have no basic cultural context about life in Algeria in the late 80's. It's just a stab in the dark.

2:58 am--> Am suddenly freezing and really sleepy. I did like half a practice exam for sex class tomorrow. Have a little advantage since I took women's health a couple years ago, but sadly they didn't teach us anything about men. I think a sex exam should be a lot more exciting than this...

3:34 am--> Just reread my entire blog. Most of my posts were made under circumstances just like this one. No surprise. Also, the four phases of the menstrual cycle are follicular, ovulation, luteal, and menstruation. During the follicular phase, FSH stimulates the follicles, and during the luteal phase, the corpus luteum deteriorates. And to gender balance it a little, in males, FSH controls sperm production and LH controls testosterone production. Just in case you were wondering. Wouldn't you think I'm in a science class instead of a psych class?

3:48 am--> Will chicken noodle sleep wake me up or put me to sleep? I used up my entire argument in the thesis. I am too concise. This play is uninspiring.

4:43 am--> Fuck this, I'm going to bed. Another 200 words and some more studying to do when I wake up in 3 hours... One more fun fact: the hypothalmus is the brain's center for sexual behavior.

Calming Down

Well, like an hour ago I was full on hulking out. This night did not go as planned. Computers are a bitch. My new laptop arrived today, which is awesome. It's so little and light! And so fast! I can't wait to take it everywhere with me and be able to work on writing projects all the time.

But part of getting a new computer, obviously, is transferring stuff over to it from the old computer. And that is making me want to tear all my hairs out one by one. First, I take dear old Otto von Dell (my trusty-ish old machine) to rehearsal to use some sound clips. It won't start for a half hour once I get there. As if this didn't piss me off enough, all the moving around of files in order to transfer them caused the ENTIRE hard drive to fill up so much that I couldn't even see most of the icons on the desktop. So that was a couple hours of confusion, til I finally went into safe mode and deleted some stuff. Now it's freezing up again, and driving me CRAZY. So I'm annoyed and frustrated and apparently determined not to sleep at all tonight. Typical.

Also tonight, I got some interesting news that might be further cause for stress (but maybe in a good way). I'm being cryptic, I know. Trying not to jinx myself. Hopefully will know more soon, but it's definitely consumed my night.

Thinking of reviving the blog. Or maybe officially "starting it?" I don't know. What does one blog about?