Over the last month or so I've experienced a feeling I've never had before in my life: wanting to get out of the city. In Madison I wanted the opposite so badly. But a couple weeks ago I went down to Urbana, and I found myself thinking "it's nice to be out of the city." I talk to some of my friends who are living abroad or in remote locations, and imagine getting away from the constant stimulation and having endless time to read, write, reflect, create... I imagine that after the first few days of going stir crazy, it would be very nice for a little while. And then I would go stir crazy again and demand to go back to civilization.

I like this feeling though, because something is complete here in a way that it's never been before in my life. And I feel it even now when I'm having a totally miserable week and want nothing more than to crawl under a rock and hide for a while. So that's promising. But so is a week of vacation in Minnesota...

I had such a beautiful, relaxing weekend. Thursday to Saturday was glorious. But now I'm paying for it, hardcore. Staying up late again tonight doing script-formatting. I think I'm out of printer paper, which is terrible. Really bad timing--I still have 3 scenes to print. Then work the next 4 days, along with script editing and a somewhat intimidating rehearsal.

I'm pretty much a domestic failure, too. Trying so hard to get my laundry done, but I've accomplished one load in the last few days. Plus 3 at work today, but that was costumes and does not help me out in my quest to have clothes to wear. I come home and collapse, and my domestic failure-tude haunts me and makes me feel guilty. Even though what I really need to do is deal with this damn script. And find my cheat sheet for work tomorrow...shoot. I hope I didn't throw it away.

So what I'm trying to say is...I'm failing at life right now. Being a young director is hard. I have so many ideas, and articulating them is so hard. Everything sounds great in my head, and then when I open my mouth I'm like "why did I think that made sense?" Just gotta muddle through it I guess. Just like everything else. Muddling through it. Because really how much can I complain? Boo hoo, I get to do what I love several times a week and spend time with tons of great people who are just as passionate about it as I am. Life is so hard. But you know...it's still...life.

Only a week and a half til Minnesota. Can. Not. Wait.

I just spent HOURS typing up lengthy rehearsal notes for both acts of Gaston. I cannot remember the last time I focused on anything for that long. Which is really sad because it wasn't that long of a project. It was a good 6 1/2 pages though. It's nice to know that I'm motivated enough to get things done every once in a while. Especially when it's the things that I really want to be good at.

I stumbled upon Pleasantville on TV this afternoon. I like that movie more every time I watch it, much like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Not only does the emotional impact get stronger the older I get, but the structural brilliance and strength of commentary only grows as my skill as an artist/analyst improves.

But what it comes down to is that sometimes it's more important to do what's best in the long term instead of what's easy in the short term. True and difficult advice.

I'm having one of those days where I just want someone to make me some soup, wrap me up in a blanket, and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not sure where that came from. It's been a very good week, actually. But you know, sometimes a mood just strikes. So I put on my bathrobe, made myself some pizza rolls, and put on some "calming" (code word for "depressing" that I use in my playlists) music. This is my attempt to remedy the situation. It's actually working, much to my surprise. At least these days, moodiness has been short lived.

I vacillate between feeling boundlessly positive about my life and where it's going, and feeling like everything is a big, terrible mess. I think that's what the next few years might be like.

Things I'm excited about right now:

Sherlock Holmes closed this weekend (not the exciting part, that part's sad), which means I made it through a whole five week run without causing a major snafu onstage. Also, what an amazing run and a cool group of people to work with for the summer. Such serendipity.

Off and running with my next project: Gaston! I am directing a musical sketch based on Beauty and the Beast. It's improv and theatre all rolled into one.

I just scored a total dream job: rentals department of a costume supply store. It's only seasonal for now I think, but I don't even care. They showed me around today and it was just like being in the costume shop of a theatre--so much cool stuff! I still don't quite believe it since I don't have anything in writing and haven't actually started...and it seems way too good to be true. And yes, I realize I have low standards for "dream job."

I've decided I'm going to do Second City's program, after being really indecisive for a while. I need to take advantage of the next few months where I don't have a full rehearsal schedule, and their next session starts soonest. So as long as they let me into Improv for Actors, I am good to go.

New improv team starting up! We have a show on Saturday. I'm so excited to be back! Nervous, since it's been a while, but I'm excited for all the new people I get to work with.

I am finally moving into my bedroom, and I have the most fantastic new (old) dresser. It came from my mom's grandfather's house and has been in our attic forever. I haven't had a real dresser since I lived in the dorms, and I'm inordinately excited about it.

Wow, that list got really long. I did not realize how optimistic I'm feeling these days. I could make a list for the flip side of things that are upsetting me, but I don't really want to find out how long that one is.

I could probably write a book called "deleted blog entries." Its contents would be vague, but revealingly so. Its amazing the things we choose not to say. Or not to do. I think my life thus far might be more defined by things I didn't do. Not in a bad way. I have a habit of self-editing. For example, the first two versions I typed of this entry were both longer than this.