Lately I've been starting to come to terms with the fact that I don't want to be an actor. It's a surprisingly difficult thing for me to accept about myself. The part of me that wants to fit in really wants to be an actor...so many of my friends are, and so many improvisers are, and it just seems like the "normal thing." And when I meet strangers who aren't in the arts I introduce myself that way because it seems like the easiest, most recognizable way to describe what I do.

But it's not what I'm doing. Or what I'm trying to do. I look up audition notices but I never end up responding to them. I like acting, but the part of me that lights up when I'm improvising or directing just doesn't light up when I'm acting. And that makes me kind of sad, because I love the idea of doing it. Just like I've always loved the idea of being a writer.

But even though I'm starting to admit this to myself, there's a little part of me that doesn't quite want to give up on it. That says, "maybe if I just work up one more monologue..." or "maybe if I go on a few more auditions..." And maybe I'll do those things. But I don't know why I feel like I need to, when I already know what I really love doing. I guess old dreams die hard.