I'm having one of those days where I just want someone to make me some soup, wrap me up in a blanket, and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not sure where that came from. It's been a very good week, actually. But you know, sometimes a mood just strikes. So I put on my bathrobe, made myself some pizza rolls, and put on some "calming" (code word for "depressing" that I use in my playlists) music. This is my attempt to remedy the situation. It's actually working, much to my surprise. At least these days, moodiness has been short lived.

I vacillate between feeling boundlessly positive about my life and where it's going, and feeling like everything is a big, terrible mess. I think that's what the next few years might be like.

Things I'm excited about right now:

Sherlock Holmes closed this weekend (not the exciting part, that part's sad), which means I made it through a whole five week run without causing a major snafu onstage. Also, what an amazing run and a cool group of people to work with for the summer. Such serendipity.

Off and running with my next project: Gaston! I am directing a musical sketch based on Beauty and the Beast. It's improv and theatre all rolled into one.

I just scored a total dream job: rentals department of a costume supply store. It's only seasonal for now I think, but I don't even care. They showed me around today and it was just like being in the costume shop of a theatre--so much cool stuff! I still don't quite believe it since I don't have anything in writing and haven't actually started...and it seems way too good to be true. And yes, I realize I have low standards for "dream job."

I've decided I'm going to do Second City's program, after being really indecisive for a while. I need to take advantage of the next few months where I don't have a full rehearsal schedule, and their next session starts soonest. So as long as they let me into Improv for Actors, I am good to go.

New improv team starting up! We have a show on Saturday. I'm so excited to be back! Nervous, since it's been a while, but I'm excited for all the new people I get to work with.

I am finally moving into my bedroom, and I have the most fantastic new (old) dresser. It came from my mom's grandfather's house and has been in our attic forever. I haven't had a real dresser since I lived in the dorms, and I'm inordinately excited about it.

Wow, that list got really long. I did not realize how optimistic I'm feeling these days. I could make a list for the flip side of things that are upsetting me, but I don't really want to find out how long that one is.

I could probably write a book called "deleted blog entries." Its contents would be vague, but revealingly so. Its amazing the things we choose not to say. Or not to do. I think my life thus far might be more defined by things I didn't do. Not in a bad way. I have a habit of self-editing. For example, the first two versions I typed of this entry were both longer than this.

If I met the person I was a year ago, I don't think I'd recognize her. I wonder how much more will change in the next year.

I think at this point I've practically started a tradition of writing blogs while I procrastinate on stuff. And we all know that just because I'm out of school, that doesn't mean I stop procrastinating. I've got like 7 hours til we're supposed to start moving stuff. And...you can probably guess what the apartment looks like. This might be a throw-everything-in-boxes-haphazardly affair. I mean come on, I'm only going across town.

I'm babbling at this point. I think I'm in a very strange stage of my life right now. Some kind of quest for meaning. I've been thinking all week about how I want to do something impulsive and romantic. I don't know what, or what it would accomplish. As if everything has to "accomplish" something in my strange construction of the world. My brain works in strange ways. Who knows. Weird 2 am ramblings.

I'm hungry, and sleepy. Most of my food is gone. And I really hope there are less centipedes at the next place. I'm sick of watching them crawl along the walls late at night. I'm also really excited that I am wearing a sweatshirt right now. It feels like such a luxury to be cold.

Anyway, time to end this ridiculous stream of consciousness and actually pack. Or sleep. Something along one of those lines...

Lately I've been starting to come to terms with the fact that I don't want to be an actor. It's a surprisingly difficult thing for me to accept about myself. The part of me that wants to fit in really wants to be an actor...so many of my friends are, and so many improvisers are, and it just seems like the "normal thing." And when I meet strangers who aren't in the arts I introduce myself that way because it seems like the easiest, most recognizable way to describe what I do.

But it's not what I'm doing. Or what I'm trying to do. I look up audition notices but I never end up responding to them. I like acting, but the part of me that lights up when I'm improvising or directing just doesn't light up when I'm acting. And that makes me kind of sad, because I love the idea of doing it. Just like I've always loved the idea of being a writer.

But even though I'm starting to admit this to myself, there's a little part of me that doesn't quite want to give up on it. That says, "maybe if I just work up one more monologue..." or "maybe if I go on a few more auditions..." And maybe I'll do those things. But I don't know why I feel like I need to, when I already know what I really love doing. I guess old dreams die hard.

Packing is a bitch. Didn't I just do this?

Oh yeah...I did. Two months ago. I didn't even unpack everything and this still seems impossible to ever accomplish. Four more days... I saw the new place today. It is beautiful. Lots of character. Might be a weird next few weeks with construction and stuff going on. Need to come up with places to escape to.

Also, a shout out to my smart phone. Because my computer decided to hate our wireless network in this dumb apartment suddenly, the phone has become my modem. Which is amazing (despite the subpar internet quality) since everything is going to be in flux for another few weeks, and I can save lots of money on coffee now. It's weird how much everything is in flux. Soon I'll stop feeling displaced, I think. I hope.

Two weekends down for Sherlock Holmes. Three more to go. The show gets better every night. I could not have asked for a better first show to do in Chicago. And I'm just starting to get to work on my next project...so excited to be directing again.

It boggles my mind how different everything is now than it was a year or so ago, both inside and outside of my brain. Life is funny like that. It's a good thing though. I think maybe things will go in good directions. All my optimism ends up being vague, but it's there nonetheless.